Girl, you can call me a ‘candle stick’ a million times over but that won’t make you any slimmer.
I have to appreciate a group of strangers going “kabristaan se uthke aayi hai!” (Right out of the grave aka ‘skeleton’.) and my friends going “sahi lag rahi hai” (looking good.) with equal aplomb.
I am every auntie’s delight! “Before marriage even I was sukdi (skinny) like you!” (You wish!)
Some treat me like a live specimen while explaining to their little kids “Beta, khana nahi khaoge toh didi ke taraha ban jaoge!” (Son, if you don't eat well you'll look like this girl!)
Women stare at me on local trains. Some kind ones come forth to compliment “Great height! How tall? ” The more concerned lot rants diet plans “Have bananas and milk and dates and butter and ghee and oil and…” (LOO…keep your doors open!)
Some diagnose- “You eat a lot of chilies na? That is why you are so thin!”
My class boys feared I’d fly away if they switched the fan on. They ensured I had enough heavy objects around to keep me anchored. A few others thought I resembled a hanger. A good friend told me I looked like a supermodel.
I wished to piddle in peace; and the maids exclaimed “Aage bhi chapta, peeche bhi chapta!” (Aaah…that’s me piddling all over you!)
Short tops show off a little tummy. “ Kya dikha rahi hai!” – This comment made me cross examine whether or not I had any clothes on.
“Kamar hi nahi hai!”- Loud and clear thrown at me by two men holding their pinkies and swinging their hands gleefully.
Some exclaim “You got a flat tummy man! I gotta start working out!”
Some hug me- “I can wrap my hand around you twice!”
The hair dresser says “All your nutrition has gone into your hair!”
The old men believe I am too skinny to find an eligible bachelor. “Boys don’t like thin girls!” (Or did he mean I am not eligible to be on the cover of a playboy magazine?!)
Mom thinks “You are made for the Paris ramp! Miss Size zero!” (Mothers, I tell you!)
I discover - Size zero models are banned on the Paris ramp!
Guess what “You are size -1!”
Photographer during a group photo-“Madam you are long! Sit on stool!”
The very sight of me makes my friend’s cousins run away. “Six foot didi!” (Boogie man! Aaaah boogie man!)
The crones back in kerala exclaim “paavam” (poor thing) as though I am a result of a genetic mutation, as opposed to the larger, well rounded “sundari” mallu women.
My school teacher thought I’d be perfect for the role of an old withered woman. Apparently “You look old and thin.”
I am fondly known as bag of bones. Some say I am bones and skin. Some say I am painted bones. Some believe my college Zoology department wasted money on the skeleton since I could have very well stood in the plastic cubicle myself.
My juniors thought I looked like a man
A friend said “You look like a stud!” (I took that as a compliment.)
The mass’s favorite -“Sukha bombil!” (Stinks but delicious! Of course that’s far from the point!)
Then there is sui (needle), dhaga( thread), toothpick, match stick, lakdi (stick), stick insect, grasshopper, giraffe, palm tree, coconut tree etc.
PJ time: If I stand next to a pole, what will my friends say?
“Spot the difference!”
